


Take A Moment To Find Yourself

by lesbianoodle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Red Vacillation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 11:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7932412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianoodle/pseuds/lesbianoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux is drifting away and Eridan really wants to save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take A Moment To Find Yourself

Sollux Captor could have easily been one of the smartest kids in their grade. If he'd bothered to turn in any of the papers he wrote and didn't sleep through all the lessons he didn't care about and stopped scowling constantly, he could have been valedictorian by the end of the year. 

And Eridan couldn't understand for the life of him why Sollux couldn't be bothered. It wasn't as if Sollux even found the work hard- he was so much faster than everybody else in their class to understand and wrote pages and pages of equations without even seeming to think about it. So it wasn't that he wasn't capable, it was that he just didn't seem to care. 

"I just don't get it." Eridan says, trailing after him as his friend heads in the direction of the library, "You're so fuckin' smart an' it's like you don't evven wwanna try." 

Sollux exhales, sounding exasperated. "You sound just like my parents. Chill, ED. I'm doing just fine, you don't have to worry about it." 

And technically, he was right. Sollux was scraping through all of his classes by doing the bare minimum and spending most of his time checking his phone underneath the desk and sneaking into the library to use the computers. Still, Eridan wasn't completely convinced that he hadn't hacked the school system to up his grades or something. He'd joked about doing it before. 

"I'm not hacking anything." Sollux says, staring at the computer screen like nothing else could possibly matter, "I just like computers. Is that a problem?" 

"You used to hang out with your friends at lunch." Eridan reminds him, sitting at the computer beside him and trying to get a head start on an essay for his Troll History Class. He's the only one that still bothers tagging along after Sollux- the others gave up trying after a few weeks, though Aradia says she talks to him on Pesterchum for hours at home. She turned pink in the face when she said this and Eridan got the idea that talking wasn't all they were doing. And surprisingly, something that tasted like jealously burned his throat. 

"You're sitting with me right now." Sollux says, flatly, "Don't try that guilt-tripping crap on me, Ampora, I'm not in the mood to deal with it right now." 

"Fine." Eridan gave up, huffing in frustration.

Sollux just kept staring at the computer screen, not even acknowledging him. 

This had been happening since sophomore year but nobody realised what was happening until it was too late- Sollux was, slowly, bit by bit, isolating himself from everybody else. At first, it was simple things like not coming to Fef's house after school because he wasn't feeling well. Then, it was being too busy for Karkat's birthday. And then, he started spending his lunch in the library with computers instead of people. After that, it got pretty hard to get any sense out of him about what exactly was going on. Sollux just said he wanted to be left alone. 

Eridan had known Sollux since their first year of middle school, when he'd caught Sollux trying to "go with" Feferi and had proceeded to punch him hard in the nose. That had lead to years of trying to aggravate each other in any way humanly possible, right up until freshman year. Freshman year was the year that Sollux kissed Eridan in a game of kiss the bottle during some stupid party and things had changed suddenly. They hung out a lot more, just the two of them, and though neither of them said anything, Eridan had assumed they were flushed. The fact that Sollux kept smiling at him like that during homeroom had to mean something, right? 

Something must have happened between freshman and sophomore year because Sollux came back with a tired look on his face and started refusing to hang out with anybody. Eridan had to actively try to hang out with him and defiantly refuse to leave him alone. Because if Eridan had learnt anything over those years, it was that Sollux couldn't just be left to his own devices. No matter how many times Sollux claimed he didn't need friends or dates or anything like, Sollux left alone would get lost too far in his own thoughts. 

"Sol didn't come wwith you?" Eridan asks Aradia, that night, when she arrived at the bowling alley alone with only her fedora for company. 

She shakes her head, biting down on her lower lip. "He wouldn't return my calls. Again." 

"Howw long do wwe wwait before wwe get wworried, d'you think?" Eridan checks the time on his phone: 18:15, "Twwo hours an' then I'll call him an' make sure he's still alivve?" 

"He won't want to talk to you." Aradia tells him. 

"I'm gonna try anywway." Eridan replies.

Aradia is the only one that might be as concerned as he is. Because while Fef and Kar do care about their friend, both of them are far too wrapped up in their own problems to have time to worry about Sollux. And none of their other friends know Sollux well enough to know that his behaviour is worrying. Aradia knows the most. 

Eridan presses her for information yet again when they're waiting at the bus stop. She says again that she promised Sollux that she wouldn't say anything. Because she, of all of them, is the only one that knows what happened the summer after freshman year- she was the only person that Sollux trusted enough to confide in and swore her to absolute secrecy. And Aradia is such a good person, such a loyal friend, that she won't say a word. While they wait for the bus to arrive- which he hates taking but Feferi always insists that he takes it to save the planet or some crap- Eridan stares at the time on his phone: 20:07. 

"It's nice that you care so much about him." Aradia says, pulling the hood of her jacket down so that the flecks of snow can land on her hair; individual snowflakes settle amongst her dark curls, shining like little stars, "You really cared about him." 

"Care." Eridan corrects. 

Aradia frowns for a moment. "Oh. Sorry, I- I don't know why I phrased it like that." Her frown deepens and she presses a hand to her temples, like she does when she's thinking exceptionally hard, "Must have got something confused. Spirits are loud, today." 

"Sorry, I left my ouija board at home today." Eridan says, sarcastically, staring at the time still, "Would the spirits care to share their insight on how Sollux is?" 

"They don't know things like that." Aradia laughs, though he notices that she looks a little uneasy. She turns a little away from him, staring into the snow like she's going to find the answer to his question there. When they get on the bus, she takes the window seat by Karkat and doesn't speak so much as a word to anyone. She gets off the bus five or six stops early and disappears down the snow covered streets. 

"Where do you think she's going?" Feferi wonders, as the girl turns the corner at the end of the street and disappears from their collective sight, "Maybe she's staying with her Dad this week or something. He lives around here, right?" 

It was common knowledge that Aradia is one of those rare troll kids that actually has a full set of parents- even if they were out of quadrants now and living at opposite ends of the city. Sollux is also one of those rare kids. Eridan doesn't understand how anybody deals with having two parents, (he can't even cope with having one).

Eridan checks his phone one last time: 20:15 exactly. Quickly, he starts typing out a message to Sollux, asking if he's okay. He reworks it a few times, back spacing and trying to think of a way to phrase it that doesn't make it sound like Eridan cares too much. Just before he can hit send, a message comes through. From Sollux. It simply reads: _i'm fine. don't worry about me._

He doesn't come into school for two weeks. 

Eridan doesn't really know what to do with himself. Briefly, he considers going to Sollux's house and making sure that he's okay but he realises that he doesn't even know where he lives. Aradia or Karkat would have the address but if Sollux wanted anyone to come over, he would have told them to. He has to respect his personal space, Eridan knows that, but he can't help worrying. He pokes at his food and stays up half the night, obsessively checking Sollux's blog for signs that he's okay. There's no new posts. Not until Thursday. And it's a harambre meme that he reblogged from somebody else with no tags. Eridan doesn't know what to make of it. 

"He's fine." Aradia promises, "He's just sick. He's going to be back soon." 

"I wwish he talked to me as much as he talked to you." Eridan admits, staring at the sidewalk so he doesn't have to meet her eyes. He doesn't like admitting that he feels inferior compared to Aradia, a troll of the lowest possible caste, or that he's jealous of how much time she spends with Sollux. They're moirails, he gets it, they have a connection. But Eridan doesn't have to be his moirail to care about Sollux disappearing for two weeks.

"You're not his 'rail." Aradia says, sadly, like she wishes that she could do something about it, "I'm sorry, Eridan. Maybe you can talk to him more when he comes back to school." 

And then, she turns and walks up the path towards her crumbling hive. Eridan watches her until she gets to the door, fiddling with her keys to get the door open and shoving it hard with her shoulder to get the door unstuck. Aradia turns to beam at him before disappearing inside. She has one of those smiles that could light up a room. 

_Things would be so much easier if I liked Ara_ , Eridan thinks, annoyed. 

"Are you sure you don't like her, fuckwit?" Kar says, late on night, when they're playing dungeons and dragons, "It wouldn't exactly be the first time you fell in love with somebody without even realising it, would it?" 

"I don't knoww wwhat you mean." Eridan grumbles, hoping Aradia and Feferi return with the snacks soon so that he can escape this conversation. For some reason, his romantic history is always a subject of mocking in their small group of friends. He's not happy about it. 

"Well, you spend every single day stalking the shit out of Sollux and don't expect us to know that something's going on. What kind of idiot do you take me for?" Karkat demands, "I know a good romance when I see one. Just because you and Sollux are oblivious dumbasses doesn't mean that the rest of us are." 

"I don't like him." Eridan insists. 

Though, he hasn't been very sure of himself lately. Last night, unable to sleep, he found himself laying awake and thinking hard about the whole matter. He couldn't help thinking that maybe he did still have flushed feelings for Sollux but he didn't think they were returned anymore. Sollux doesn't want to spend time with anybody other than his moirail anymore. 

"You really need to get laid, man." says Dave, the human that's standing in for Sollux tonight.

"An' wwhat makes you think that?" Eridan scowls.

"I'm just sayin'." Dave drawls, looking amused. 

Sollux Captor comes back to school after exactly two weeks and he looks exhausted and he has a note to excuse him from pretty much every class whenever he wants. Whether it's an official note or he forged it, Eridan isn't really sure. But all that matters is that he finally came back and Eridan can't get a word out of him about where he was or what he was doing for the last two weeks. Sollux just insists he was sick. Maybe he was. But Eridan doesn't believe it was in the conventional way. Still, he drops the subject and tries to talk to Sollux about other things. 

He tells him in-depth about how he's started watching Doctor Who- this human show about time travel- and how good it is and how accurate the science is. And Sollux humours him, nodding and even offering questions when Eridan pauses. He catches him up on the latest gossip about Karkat and Dave possibly being matesprits- and Sollux can't look him in the eyes while he's talking, staring at the keyboard instead of the computer. He invites Sollux to come over to his place and Sollux reminds him that he's a peasant and Eridan's dad would never allow it. 

"I'll see you tomorroww, then." Eridan says, when the lunch bell rings. 

Sollux nods. Then, he takes a deep breath. Shakes his head. "Come to my place, Ampora." 

And Eridan agrees. 

The way to Sollux's house is an extraordinarily long walk through the newly melted snow and along the icy paths- Eridan nearly slips at least four different times and barely manages to keep his balance. One time, Sollux catches him by the hand and holds it until he's steady. Then, he drops it quickly and turns a bright shade of mustard. Eridan is expecting Sollux's hive to be crumbling and old like Aradia's but he's surprised to find an oddly cheery looking building in the regular part of town. Sollux kicks his sneakers off in the hallway and Eridan does the same. 

"Dad insists." Sollux explains. 

"Wwhich one?" Eridan asks. 

Sollux scoffs. "I thought you were too mature to make that joke anymore." 

When they were younger, in middle school, Eridan liked to make fun of Sollux for having two parents- "like a freak"- because barely anybody else had two. It was "normal" to only have one. Whenever Sollux mentioned one of his parents, Eridan would ask which one he was talking about and Sollux found it oddly frustrating after a while. Then, he started finding it funny. It kind of became an inside joke. Even now, there's a hint of a smile on his face. 

The inside of the hive isn't so hideous, Eridan guesses, but it's nowhere near as extravagant as his hive or Feferi's. There's no sign of Sollux's guardians anywhere so Eridan guesses that they must be out somewhere. To his surprise, Sollux leads him straight upstairs to his bedroom, the most cramped and crowded room in the house. Everything has been shoved into the corners to keep the floor clear and food containers are stacked high on every available surface in the room. But the most impressive aspect is the technology- Sollux has a TV in his room and just about every video game console ever invented. 

"Holy shit." Eridan can suddenly understand why Sollux doesn't ever feel the need to leave his room. It seems like he's got every game this side of the green sun to play. 

"You can, uh, sit down." Sollux says, collapsing into his desk chair like he's exhausted.

"Uh, sure." Eridan sits on the end of the bed, face flushing purple, "So." 

"So." Sollux repeats, looking uncomfortable. 

There's a pause. 

"Wwhat the hell happened to us, Sol?" Eridan says, "Wwe used to be close." 

Sollux shrugs and offers to show him some of his favourite video games. They play through most of Castlevania that afternoon, Sollux eventually moving from his desk chair and sitting beside Eridan on the bed. And then, leaning against him. They probably could have got even closer than that but just about then was when the door was thrown open and both of them jump apart quickly. It's neither one of Sollux's parents, it's a teenage boy that can't be much older than them with a lisp even worse than Sollux's and a tendency to fumble his words. 

Eridan would be lying if he said he wasn't confused for a moment before realising this was Sollux's older brother, who he thinks he might have seen before when they were in middle school. He wonders what happened to him. He doesn't seem very coherent anymore. He always remembers Sollux's brother as being one of those smarter, older kids that had all the best video games. The kind of kid that sold sodas behind the school because the school had banned them and gotten away with it too. This teenager, this college-aged kid, didn't even look or sound or act like the same guy. He was completely different. 

Sollux looks embarrassed but he gets up and talks to his brother. Eridan just sits on the bed and pretends that the situation isn't incredibly uncomfortable. When he comes back, Sollux tells Eridan that he should probably go home. Eridan tries to argue but Sollux shrinks back into himself and looks miserable, so he just gives up and leaves. And heads straight to Aradia's house, where he knocks on the door hard until an intimidating college girl with an Attack on Titan shirt opens the door and glares at him. 

"I'm here to see Ara." Eridan says, resisting the urge to just shove past her and find Aradia himself. Not that he's exactly eager to push his way into this broken, old house with it's filthy carpets and boarded windows. It looks like nobody has ever bothered to clean it. 

Aradia's sister, Eridan presumes, walks back inside and yells up the stairs in Spanish. The only words he picks up on is "highblood" and "asshole" and he feels almost guilty for coming here. He's clearly above these people- for once, he doesn't like how superior he feels. The girl is still scowling at him. Aradia appears at the top of the stairs, looking confused for a moment, before seeing him and smiling widely. She rushes down the stairs. 

"Hey, Eridan. I thought you said your dad said you weren't allowed in this part of town." Aradia tries to hug him and he manages to side-step her, "You want to come upstairs? The stars are really pretty tonight. You can see them better because our streetlights broke again." 

He lets her lead the way up onto the roof, through a hatch, where she sits down with a bump and he hesitantly seats himself beside her. 

"Sol invvited me to his place." He explains as his reason for visiting, "But then his brother showwed up an' he freaked out an' told me to leavve." 

"That explains his messages." Aradia holds up her phone before dropping it back onto her lap, "He hasn't told anybody about Mituna and the papers didn't hear about it. So I guess you finding out freaked him out a little."

"What?" Eridan is confused. 

"I should let him tell you about it when he's ready." Aradia muses, "But I think I can tell you something because you've probably already guessed it. The summer before sophomore year, something happened to Mituna and Sollux hasn't been okay ever since. His mental health, you know? He said I wasn't allowed to tell anybody so don't tell him I said, okay?"

Eridan thinks back over the months he pestered her about what had happened. 

"Wwhy'd you suddenly decide to tell me?" 

"Because I know now that you really care about him." Aradia says, "You went to his home and it's no secret that you don't like going to poor people's hives, Eridan." She pokes him and gestures to her forehead, "Besides, the spirits said you need to know."

He still didn't believe in the slightest about her being able to hear spirits or ghosts or anything of the like but he's glad that she trusts him now. He could almost hug her. Except she's wearing a really grubby jacket. He does smile a little at her, which is more than he offers most people, and briefly considers her offer of hanging out for a while longer. But then, she starts talking about the spirits again and he decides to hightail it out of there before she can whip out an ouija board. He's seen the movies. He doesn't want this to end like the Troll Blair Witch Project. 

The next time he sees Sollux, he sees him in a slightly different light. Sollux isn't just Sollux The Computer Nerd That Eridan May Or May Not Be Flushed For. He's Sollux The Computer Nerd, Protective Brother, and Probably Depressed. Eridan has to stop himself from rushing over and hugging him because he has to keep up appearances. Still, he does say hey when they pass in the corridor and Sollux rolls his eyes, which is better than nothing. 

Sollux avoids him at lunch. 

"Every time I get close to him, he pushes me awway." Eridan complains, "Wwhy can't that asshole see that I care about him?"

"Give him time." Aradia touches him lightly on the arm and he doesn't push her away, "You know Sollux isn't a very touchy-feely person. He probably doesn't want you to pity him. Unless you do pity him?"

"I'm not makin' a move on your moirail, Ara, don't wworry about it." Eridan says. 

She laughs at him, though not unkindly.

Sollux doesn't speak to him for the next week, though Aradia promises him that he isn't mad or anything. He doesn't even make eye contact with Eridan very much, though when he does, he looks away awkwardly. And then, to everybody's surprise, Sollux actually shows up to the weekly bowling trip that Feferi organises. Eridan isn't allowed to make a big deal out of it, even when Sollux pulls him aside and tells him that he wanted to see him. And then pulls him out of sight so that he can kiss him for a moment. 

"I'm sorry I've been shitty lately." Sollux tells him, "It's not you." 

"Yeah, Ara said." Eridan says, "An' I get that you need your space or wwhatevver."

"I missed you." Sollux says, "I just needed some time." 

"An' I get it. Or I'm tryin' to. But if you're just goin' to ditch me evverytime you get depressed, I don't think I can hang out wwith you anymore. Much less be your matesprit." Eridan says, without thinking. 

"Matesprit?" Sollux looks confused, "I thought-" 

But Eridan has already walked away. 

It's Aradia who comes to find him and finds him shivering at the bus stop outside, looking at him all pityingly like that. He can't believe he was so stupid. Eridan can't believe he deluded himself into actually thinking Sollux was flushed for him. And that he called him his matesprit, when Sollux clearly wasn't ready for them to even joke about it. Aradia shrugs off her jacket and offers it to him but he shakes his head. Instead, she takes his hand and holds it. 

"Wwhat are you doin'?" Eridan demands, trying to pull his hand free. She holds tight. 

"I'm holding your hand." Aradia states, "You look like you need a friend." 

"I thought Sollux wwas flushed for me." Eridan sighs, "But I'm just his friend." 

"He thought you were waxing pale for him." Aradia explains, "Boys can be very silly sometimes. The pair of you are just dancing around the subject. If you like him, why don't you just ask him to be your matesprit?" 

"But he doesn't like me." Eridan reiterates. 

"He does." Aradia says, "He talks about you all the time, Eridan. He gets really frustrated too because he thinks you're too good for him." 

"Wwhy wwould he think that?" Eridan frowns. 

Aradia rolls her eyes. "Because you told him, Eridan. In eighth grade, remember?" 

Eridan does remember. He remembers Sollux flicking a crumpled piece of paper at his head and Eridan scowling at him. And Sollux just gestured for him to open it. Eridan flattened the paper on his desk and found a pretty poorly drawn spade in black marker looking up at him. Sitting beside him, Feferi saw it and that caused Eridan to scowl, balling the paper up. And after class, Sollux had come after him and asked what the hell he had done that for. Eridan remembers Feferi standing beside him and that he didn't want to look like some kind of commoner in front of her. So, he just spat and told Sollux that he could never be in any kind of quadrant with somebody as low on the spectrum as him. 

He remembered Sollux looking oddly hurt. And how people had picked on Sollux for half a sweep after that for even _trying_ to go pitch with a highblood. 

And Eridan hopes he doesn't cry like an idiot in front of Aradia. 

"I'm so stupid." He mutters. 

"No. You were stupid." Aradia offers him a crumpled tissue from her jacket pocket, (damn it, he was hoping she wouldn't notice the tears welling in his eyes), "You're a better person now, getting better every day. I know it's hard to be open-minded because of the way your father raised you. But you're getting better and better." 

"No, I'm not." Eridan wipes his eyes, annoyed. 

"You're holding hands with a lowblood in public." Aradia points out, squeezing his hand, "Now, you've just got to work out what you're going to say to Sollux." 

Not long after that, they go back inside and Eridan doesn't dare meet Sollux's eyes. He doesn't want him to know that he was out there crying over something he said to him in seventh grade. Sollux apologises for upsetting him but the words don't quite sound right- like he's rehearsed them far too many times in his head. Eridan just says he'll talk to him on Monday and takes his turn to bowl before Karkat can decapitate him out of pure impatience. 

So, on Monday, Eridan trails after him when he heads to the library. And he watches in annoyance as Sollux starts playing solitaire despite the fact he admitted to not having finished the assignment due in this afternoon. 

"You should do the assignment." Eridan tells him.

Sollux pauses for a moment, glancing at him. "What's the point?" 

"I..." What is the point? "I just think it wwould be good for you to do some wwork for once. I don't think sittin' around doin' nothin' is going to make you feel any better." 

"What would you know?" Sollux huffs, "You aren't in my brain." 

"Don't get mad at me, I just wwant to help you-"

"You can't." Sollux says, his hand gripping the mouse tightly, "You can't help me." 

Eridan flinches back. "Sol." 

Sollux doesn't say anything. 

"Sol." Eridan, hesitantly, holds out his hand.

Sollux gingerly takes it. His lowblood hand is warm. Eridan squeezes it. 

"I'm here for you." He says, "And I knoww that there's no wway that I could evver understand wwhat's happenin' in your mind. But if you wwant me to go red wwith you, you havve to let me in. You're keepin' me out. An' it's really hard for to me to stand by an' wwatch you fall apart. Please, Sol, I'm beggin' you. Just..." He stops, "Are you cryin'?" 

Sollux has hunched over even further, frowning hard like he's concentrating and rubbing at his eyes frantically like he's trying to stop tears falling. He shakes his head, sniffs, and drops Eridan's hand. He wipes his nose on his shirt. Gross. Eridan is disgusted. 

"I don't want to be in diamonds with you, Eridan." Sollux tells him, once his eyes have stopped watering and he has a hand free to hold Eridan's again, "Stop acting so goddamn pale." 

"I'm not pale, I just care about you. Your matesprit can care about-" He shuts his mouth abruptly, horrified that he let the "m" word slip out again. 

Sollux squeezes his hand. "Yeah, I guess he can."


End file.
